Internet Down

*written 2/16/09

The internet service provider for four States and about 63-thousand customers is down this afternoon.  You can imagine the ramifications.  Dirty, gray haired men cannot stream live porn into their homes and onto their computer sitting below the picture of the Temple they were married in.  Thousands who work in offices not shut down by President’s Day are actually working or trying to be creative to appear they are working.  People like me are waiting on phone call to the technical support of Qwest, being told they are busy and wait is over ten minutes to talk to a human being, and then having the human being tell them (after 45 minutes) they will just have to be patient and wait a few hours.

I’m forced to watch live cable news channels much to my chagrin.  Please don’t be silly and assume Fox News is one of them. Faux New, Fixed News, whatever you want to call it might just have Glenn Beck crying and telling lies and my fragile psyche cannot handle that today.  MSNBC is tilted as much to the left with Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow, but their catch-phrase is not “Fair and Balanced”.  I enjoy Fox’s sense of humor using this slogan.  They are so far right they’ve gone right out of the country.  (That was funny, wasn’t it?  Didn’t it remind you of President Regan saying “so far left, they’ve left the country”?) 

CNN seems to be more balanced to me on reporting, but once they start interviewing, they always bring on a Republican to begin telling us how dumping trillions of dollars into a trumped-up war in Iraq is so much more righteous than dumping trillions of dollars into our economy so we don’t have to live under the crumpling overpass. 

Speaking of annoying Republicans, I have a plea for Senator John McCain.  Shut up!  You realize, sir, that you lost the election and you can quit pushing your tax-cut strategy that was Bush’s answer to everything…don’t you…don’t you?  Please let us build a statue in your honor, with heat seeking missiles defending it against pigeons that would unpatriotically poop on it, and then you can rest on your laurels and occasionally vote rationally and help move the country forward. 

I just realized, at this very minute, the internet being down might be a VAST right wing conspiracy to stop bloggers from writing naughty bits about John McCain or Sarah Palin…or even John Boehner.  (He wants it be pronounced “Bay-ner” so he won’t be tittered at when he opposes birth control measures proposed by left wing socialists in the House of Representatives.  It should be pronounce “Boner” but, you can see his point.  People wouldn’t take him seriously.  They would just make fun of his fake tan and public crying and his voting no to anything progressive.  What a bonehead.  By the way, I enjoyed writing “naughty bits” in my sentence with Sarah Palin. 

On this sad day of no internet I would like to publically thank Sarah Palin on this word document no one can see for losing the election and perhaps, uniting her miniscule base to the point that the Republicans will be forced to have Tanya Harding break her shin or face losing the next several election cycles until she disappears into the wilds of Alaska, or secedes from the States with her unpatriotic first-dude.  If you stumble on this and you watch Fox News, please try another news station and some newspapers for a change.  Then you might get my jokes and you might start having some hope for our Country again.   I really think we have a chance to do some good things with the positive leadership we have now.  President Obama is coherent, can do several things at once and he doesn’t say “nucular”.  Anyway, that is my internet is down column today.  It's short on substance like Faux News, but long on style, like our First Family.  If it’s ever published, I hope you enjoyed it.